New Community Rice Assistance Program To Replace Food Stamps Passes US House

Washington, DC (SAT) – The House of Representatives passed a new new food stamps bill today which abolishes the current Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, known as SNAP, and replaces it with the new Community Rice Assistance Program. “This simplifies everything”, said Rick Crawford who represents Arkansas' largest rice producing district and is sponsor of the bill, “for years poor Arkansans have been gorging themselves on potato chips, cookies and soda (all allowable under the current program) which kind of defeats the whole 'nutrition' thing”. Nearly half the rice produced in the US comes from Crawford's district.

The new program will set up community Rice Distribution Centers using facilities currently occupied by the US Postal Service which is being phased out later this year. “This new program generously provides each recipient with over a pound of rice per day” Crawford said. An amendment by House Democrats that would have also included beans in the program was defeated along strict party lines. In defending the move House Speaker John Boehner pointed out, “Many of our members felt this would lead to extravagant dishes like Red Beans and Rice or Hoppin' John and excessive spice usage which was a problem under the old program. Pound for pound, many spices you know are more expensive than filet mignon.”

“Besides, there many other sources of protein that are basically free for those willing to be the slightest bit industrious.” Boehner continued, directing reporters to sections of the bill that allows those enrolled in the new program unlimited fishing privileges in over 600 lakes and 57,000 miles of streams and rivers under US Forest Service jurisdiction.

 “Not only does it provide nutrition, fishing is a recreational pastime that millions of Americans already enjoy. Each recipient will be issued their own cane poll and basic tackle. This is a truly innovative approach when it comes to taking care of the country's poor, less motivated, individuals".

 Of course all of this didn't come without push-back from some powerful special interest groups. Walmart in particular spent millions lobbying against the bill claiming it would be disastrous for it's grocery business. These concerns were assuaged however when Representative Crawford included a $30 billion subsidy package for the Bentonville based retailer/grocer in the final bill.

P.S. On a more serious note, in the 1980s the Reagan administration made drastic cuts to the then extant food stamp program. The following federally sponsored PSA was shown during Saturday morning cartoons to convince poor kids that food subsistence was "magically delicious":