New Community Rice Assistance Program To Replace Food Stamps Passes US House

Washington, DC (SAT) – The House of Representatives passed a new new food stamps bill today which abolishes the current Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, known as SNAP, and replaces it with the new Community Rice Assistance Program. “This simplifies everything”, said Rick Crawford who represents Arkansas' largest rice producing district and is sponsor of the bill, “for years poor Arkansans have been gorging themselves on potato chips, cookies and soda (all allowable under the current program) which kind of defeats the whole 'nutrition' thing”. Nearly half the rice produced in the US comes from Crawford's district.

The new program will set up community Rice Distribution Centers using facilities currently occupied by the US Postal Service which is being phased out later this year. “This new program generously provides each recipient with over a pound of rice per day” Crawford said. An amendment by House Democrats that would have also included beans in the program was defeated along strict party lines. In defending the move House Speaker John Boehner pointed out, “Many of our members felt this would lead to extravagant dishes like Red Beans and Rice or Hoppin' John and excessive spice usage which was a problem under the old program. Pound for pound, many spices you know are more expensive than filet mignon.”

“Besides, there many other sources of protein that are basically free for those willing to be the slightest bit industrious.” Boehner continued, directing reporters to sections of the bill that allows those enrolled in the new program unlimited fishing privileges in over 600 lakes and 57,000 miles of streams and rivers under US Forest Service jurisdiction.

 “Not only does it provide nutrition, fishing is a recreational pastime that millions of Americans already enjoy. Each recipient will be issued their own cane poll and basic tackle. This is a truly innovative approach when it comes to taking care of the country's poor, less motivated, individuals".

 Of course all of this didn't come without push-back from some powerful special interest groups. Walmart in particular spent millions lobbying against the bill claiming it would be disastrous for it's grocery business. These concerns were assuaged however when Representative Crawford included a $30 billion subsidy package for the Bentonville based retailer/grocer in the final bill.

P.S. On a more serious note, in the 1980s the Reagan administration made drastic cuts to the then extant food stamp program. The following federally sponsored PSA was shown during Saturday morning cartoons to convince poor kids that food subsistence was "magically delicious":

Liberals: Bringing You A Better Way Of Life For Over 200 Years

As I state in my profile, I am a proud Liberal. This realization came to me after years of fence sitting and self denial. After all, my entire adult life I had been told Liberals were the root of all evil -- Socialists, Marxists, Atheists, Feminists. For all I knew, they were Cannibals and Satanists as well. Ted Kennedy was a Liberal, so was Jane Fonda. These were unsavory, anti-family, anti-business, commie sympathizing, union organizing, elitists. Or so I was told.

But the older and wiser I got, the more I realized that the tenets of modern Conservatism didn't appear to be working out so well. Trickle Down Economics seemed to be trickling up. Our civil liberties were contracting instead of expanding. The middle class was shrinking, not growing. We were going backwards instead of forwards. And one day I ran across these long forgotten words spoken by John F. Kennedy.

"What do our opponents mean when they apply to us the label 'Liberal?' If by 'Liberal' they mean, as they want people to believe, someone who is soft in his policies abroad, who is against local government, and who is unconcerned with the taxpayer's dollar, then the record of this party and its members demonstrate that we are not that kind of 'Liberal.' But if by a 'Liberal' they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people -- their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties -- someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a 'Liberal,' then I'm proud to say I'm a Liberal."

With that in mind I would like to share a bit of flotsam I ran across while surfing the inter-webs. I've seen this reprinted numerous times but the author remains anonymous:

A Day In The Life Of Joe Conservative

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised. 

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance -- now Joe gets it, too. 

He prepares his morning breakfast: bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry. 

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. 

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air. 

He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor. 

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. 

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment checks because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune. 

It is noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression. 

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe also forgets that in addition to his federally subsidized student loans, he attended a state funded university. 

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards to go along with the taxpayer funded roads. 

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans.The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification. 

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to. 

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved conservatives have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have." 

Note: This was originally published (anonymously) under the title A Day in the Life of Joe Republican. But this is a misnomer. In the last 140 years, the Republican and Democratic parties have switched sides several times, with one being conservative and the other being liberal. But labels and party affiliations change. What doesn't change are the underlying political philosophies of liberalism and conservatism, and the fact that the liberals usually turned out to be right and the conservatives turned out to be wrong. And so it goes.